How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
