Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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