i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
