She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
