after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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