If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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