Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
