I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
