I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
