I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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