My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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