i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
