There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
