you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
