Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
