I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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