Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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