You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
