I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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