I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can't turn off my feet"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
