Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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