when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
