I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
