Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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