I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
