I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
