Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
