turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think a kid would responsible me up
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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