My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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