I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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