The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
