did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
