I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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