So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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