Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
