shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
