I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize