I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
