she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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