You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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