You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
