Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
