I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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