Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
