I accidentally burped into my bong.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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