god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
