He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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