I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is Oprah even human
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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