Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
