Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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