it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
