Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
