I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
