so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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