My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
