she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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