I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
