last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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