One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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