Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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