if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
