i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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