Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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